This is from our Mean Girls Bible Study at the beginning of the semester. I wanted to wait and get comments from guys after the Dead Poets Society Bible-Life Study and decided that this is the best way to get them out to people. Below are comments that I compiled from asking the following question to young women who are in college or recently out of college, so their perspectives are still fresh. "What do you know now that you wish you new when you were in Jr./Sr. High School. Some of these comments come from former YOUth members here at Lakewood, and some from others that I know. I am not necessarily saying that I fully support some of these statements, but I do feel that it gives a variety of experiences and thoughts, many of which may pertain to some of you. Also, I didn't take the time to correct the grammatical errors. The bold, red numbers indicate a different perspective.
1. dont get so caught up in the things that only matter right then (styles, fashion, whether or not you have "been with a guy") Fashions of all areas come and goeven though at the time things seems so important....later you will realize no one really cared and the ones who did by this point you will have realized weren't a true friend anyway.don't talk so much and get on the level of some of those that will surround you. what goes around comes around so if they talk bad about someone and you stick up for that person you will see it comes back to you and makes you realize how glad you were you didnt steep to their level.pay attention to those people that you dont "think" notice you. saying hi to those outside your group is one of the best things you can do. everyone notices everyone in HS never be to good to say hi to someone or ask how their day is going. (they mentioned how at the end of the year at graduation how several people that they never hung with wanted to take pics with them and stuff because they had been so nice to them over the yr...and just how good that made you feel)step outside of your comfort box and be the better person in your group that helps that "nerd" who just feel rather than pointing fingers and laughing just b/c everyone else is but wishing inside oyu could help them and not be made fun of. everyone gets the chance to drink alcohol at some point. it doesnt make you any cooler, no matter what you think. and coming from someone who never drank in HS people respected me more for always being true to myself rather than giving into peer pressure. no one makes fun of the person thats willing to drive and save their lives.guys that "all of the sudden" like you when they are drinking....dont really like you. its the alcohol talking....remember that when you think about hooking up with them.....nothing sucks worse than to be the only one that remembers it the next day.never do something with a guy that makes you feel weird. relationships are all about comfort. if you arent comfortable with the person it wont feel right. it doesnt mean somethings wrong with you...it just means you aren't ready...whether that be arent ready for kissing...cuddling...anything.you can use this story as an example if you want i dont care....i had just started "talking" to a guy my sophmore year in HS. he was this hearthrob(older) that everyone talked about so i felt like i was something ...naturally...we had been to a dance together and gone on a few group dates but nothing to serious...halloween that year a girl in my class was having a huge party at her house. her parents were out of town and it was the place to be. everyone was staying the night(girls and guys so we all had to lie to get to go)...there was tons of alcohol(again we are all in HS) .costumes were required..the whole nine yards.all my friends were going and like i said i didnt drink in HS so i knew i wouldnt drink anything but i was still a little nervous just because of the obvious reasons. when we got there he was there and had been drinking a lil at this point but really didnt acknowledge me to much. he asked me later in the night to go with him to the store right up the street.i couldnt say no..he might get mad at me. we went to the store..where he bought alcohol(both of us under 21 remember). on the way home he stopped at this park on the side of the road. it was here that one thing lead to another. i felt weird from the moment we pulled up. we were in a place i wasnt familiar with...in someone elses car....we had never really done anything besides kiss and even those weren't big yet...he turned off the car and just rolled from one thing to another...not giving me any time to say no...i finally realized i was so uncomfortable with the situation that i just kind pulled him away and told him we needed to get back. he tried to ignore me and just kept pushing but i just kinda made some excuse to have to go back (which am sure he knew was exactly that) but he took me back....i ran back and cried for hours in the bathroom with my best friend. i felt so violated. i had never been treated that way before and didnt understand why he went about it like that. ....my friends told me what all friends do...he was drinking he didnt realize it ....tom it will be fine blah blah. but the thing was i had this tearing at my heart. that everything i has just done was nothing i wanted to have done with him at that point in our relationship..and although i didnt sleep with him i wanted everything in between to mean something and not just be steps passed through to try to get to sleeping together faster (which was exactly how he viewed it)..well apparently the alcohol was the only thing that was thinking for him that night. i went back out later and just decided to play cool but keep close to friends there...only to watch him take some other girl out to his car and never come back that night....it just went to show that i knew all along what i wanted...i just wasnt listening to myself because he was that guy everyone wanted to be with. i let all those things happen becuase i knew it was something everyone else wanted so i felt like it was something i had to want as well...but here we are YEARS down the road...and guess what he has 3 children with 3 women and been married twice....so even though i felt stupid for pushing him away that night....sometimes your gut feeling is far better to go with than what others tell you....you make the only decisions that matter in your life...oh and not to mention...guys who dont acknowledge you in public and dont want to meet your friends and family...are after one thing and it isnt to be around long to say the least....guys that care about a girl sincerely care about her interest and want to do anything to get her attention which usually consist of meeting friends and family and maybe youth groups and whatever else... ...that is something i wish i would have realized a lil more in HS. you cant make every guy fit what you are looking for. there are some guys you will meet that you know arent right...trust your gut feeling.
2. I guess some of the most important things I have learned that time does heal all wounds and offering them up to God at that same moment when it seems like the end of the world really does help.Find your true friends and stick to those. True friends are friends who love you for who you are make you feel good about yourself at all times and are honest and kind. I had many people who I thought were going to be lifelong friends only to turn out to be only around when I was happy or when I was only around. I had the experience of going over 300 hundred miles away to college and now even farther away from my best friends. It is the friends that stick by you no matter how far away you are.I used to bully and be bullied in elementary, junior high, and highschool. College I was fortunate enough to be mature enough to stay out of most of those situations. I wish I would of done so all the years. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. And remember what it says about you if you gossip. Others will not trust you and you will have very shallow relationships. Remember more of what is important in life. Identify those things and then do an inventory. Do I have friends that are loyal, make me laugh, are kind, respectful, have little drama (there will always be drama)... do you have friends that listen as much as they talk! Stick to who you are and what you believe. Never fall into the pressures of drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, stealing.... do not do it. They will not only produce enormous guilt they will live with you in your mind and in your heart for a while. I never had anyone tell me ... dont do drugs and dont drink or dont steal- for whatever reasons I knew I did not want to be that person. Stay away from those crowds if you can. Try to not be a jealous person. It leads to so many other things like insecure, low self esteem, lack of confidence. Embrace yourself. If there is something you dont like change it or perfect it. Don't envy others. That is so tough to do but realize that all people have flaws and problems and issues. Yours and yours and theirs are theirs. Embrace yours and become a better person.I have two sisters and one is very introverted and very extroverted. Both are great and have qualities that shine because of the way they are. But yet they both envy each other and it is sad because they both have special talents they are wasting because of the energy they put into wanting each others talents. Last but not least be confident. Always hold your head up high, smile, and be fearless when it comes to meeting new people and keep your heart open to new friends.
3. Girls can be very catty, especially in jr high/high school. At that age it is easier to put someone down for their differences than get to know them and find similarities. I would encourage girls at that age to look deeper than the exterior of a person and get to know them despite the group they hang out with or the clothes they wear.
4. 1. Be yourself. I know this is cliche, but it is so true. Throughout high school and jr. high girls are so obsessed with fitting in that they forget to ask themselves if they really want to. Don't be afraid, as Rach said, to do things your friends aren't doing- but b/c YOU want to.ex: i have always been interested in global health/aids awareness stuff. I didn't have the guts in high school to create a club, or try to get involved with something under this topic b/c i was spending too much time doing pep rally or student council..all good things..but you know. anyway, this year at PSU I found a Globe Med Club that is really awesome. there aren't that many people in it, but it is a great way to meet ppl who care about the same things that you do. i've also learned a great deal about global health and about how i can help out. 2. Have guy friends that aren't boyfriends. I know in junior high this seems sort of goofy b/c girls and boys are just starting to interact..but throughout high school i met several great guys who have become some of my best friends. it is great to talk to them b/c they aren't always wrapped up in drama and usually are pretty funny. I'm so glad I stayed close with my guy friends and didn't always hang out with "the girls" at the mall b/c they have turned out to be some of the most genuine friends i have. 3. I know it is said to not put yourself in atmospheres where you will be pressured to do things. don't go to this and so party b/c there will be drugs and alcohol there...we'll it's OK, you can still go. I have always tried to not judge others based on what they are "known for" and simply by how they interact with me. Just because someone smokes pot, or likes to drink on the weekends doesn't mean they are a horrible person and you should never look at them. All through high school I hung out with people who may have done things I didn't do, but they never pressured me to do it. Even if they do, all you have to do is say no thanks and everything stays the same. You can go to "Justin's party" where everyone from school will be and you don't have to drink. I had more fun watching people, having long conversations with ppl I had never really gotten to know, and just laughing about stupid stuff with kids my age. *Also, when ppl in your class see that you can have just as much fun w/o substances maybe they'll try it one time :) But don't be afraid to be friends with ALL sorts of ppl. My senior class, I think for the most part, was really good about having some big parties where lots of different circles of people came and everyone got along fine. i could go to a party where the IB kids would be in the den talking about T.O.K., the kitchen would be packed with the wild ones doing who knows what, and the quiet girls would be taking goofy pictures outside...everyone still talked with each other and laughed and enjoyed being a part of "our class". 4. Don't feel like you have to have a boyfriend. Boyfriends are great, but you don't have to have one to be cool or have a good time. My entire senior year I was single. I know girls imagine senior year having a steady b/f who picks you up in his convertible...blah blah..my senior year was a blast!! and i didn't so don't fret. I only had one serious relationship throughout high school and yeah it was fun and I learned:-don't be afraid to tell a boy what you are thinking, he is probably thinking the same thing-have fun. don't take it too seriously. you probably aren't going to marry this person, so if you find a flaw-embrace it,-you CAN change a person for the good. my b/f in high school was in to some bad stuff before we were together and i showed him that he didn't need that stuff. *however, don't think that he will change completely...no one does.
5. I guess what I wish I had known maybe just payed more attention to was that it's not worth trying to fit yourself into a clique. Either a) they know that they are the group that everyone wants to be around and hang out with and don't care to be inclusive (in which case don't waste your time they aren't worth it) or b) they are totally oblivious that they are "that group" and just see themselves as a big group of friends and won't think to include you in all their inside jokes and last minute plans and you'll just perpetually feel left out (and trust me that's no fun either). I'm in a sorority at UCA and there are smaller groups of friends within the larger group and there is that one group of girls that are just such good friends that they always have so much fun so everyone wants to be around them. But i started to realize that I was trying to wheedle my way into a tight group of friends that had their own history and jokes and patterns of behavior. I was feeling left out at times because I wasn't letting it be natural. I guess the moral of my story is that even though a group might look like alot of fun and something you would want to be a part of take a step back and make sure it's really a group worth trying for and also if they are even willing to open up their group. Honestly, no friendship that is artificial in the beginning will make it long-term. Only the natural organic friendships ever really make it so don't contrive anything.
6. Umm I guess, one thing would be to not read so much into what others think of you....because at least for me I realized that it was when I wasn't trying to impress others that people would notice me. For Example: If I wore my favorite outfit to school, some people would give me compliments...mostly girls....but it was when I did the most random thing, or wore the most random outfit that several people would actually stop and compliment me for whatever. Um...what else? I guess the old saying..."Just know that someday you will look back on the things you stressed over in highschool and laugh." B/c I know that no matter what age I am I always stress.....I think in jr. high it was more school and then high school it was kind of like the "boy thing" and now it's just making it through the week...haha---gahh I know I sound old and tired....I guess you can tell I've had a rough week....sorry if it affects my comments on this topic.....It's only Tuesday and I just don't understand my life right now. :)----Um, let's see.....I guess another thing would be to not be afraid to do things you didn't do in the past, or things that your friends don't do. Not like bad things like drugs....but for example: I did cheerleading....and none of my friends at the time were involved in it. BUT in the long run I made some great new and different friends in those three years (may have not been my best friends-but I had a larger network senior year)AND THE MORE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WELL YOUR SENIOR YR> OF HIGHS CHOOL, THAT ARE IN YOUR CLASS, THE BETTER!
7. EVERY girl, even the ones that seemed perfect, was fighting some kind of personal battle. Girls that always had to have a boyfriend usually did so because they felt lost/worthless without one. Not every girl that doesn't talk to you is mean, some are just shy and waiting for you to speak first. Just because a girl runs around with a stereotypical group doesn't mean she's that stereotype. A lot of girls put on an act to be accepted instead of being themselves for fear of rejection. NOBODY grows up to be the same person they were in high school. Every girl I know has changed since high school, most of them matured into women I never thought they would be. The drama that goes on in high school between girls is some of the most ridiculous things they will ever experience. At that moment, it seems like their world is falling apart, but they'll end up laughing or forgetting about it completely after high school. The girls who think they own the school, their friends, and the world become nobodies at the bottom of the totem pole once they become freshmen in college. Nobody remembers who went to prom with who, what girls were on homecoming which year, who made out with who, and frankly... nobody cares after high school. Girls are MEAN in high school because they're immature, not because they're better than everyone else. All the girls that the guys wanted to date in high school will either be the firsts to end up pregnant and/or be the ones that the men don't want to marry because of their reputation. Men want to marry the girls that respected themselves. Dating in high school is usually pointless. You may learn a few things from it, but 95% of the time, people never end up marrying the person they dated in high school. The girls you think are your friends in high school may be just that: your friends in high school. After that, you lose contact with most of them. I have friends now that I went to high school with and never spoke a word to during those years because they thought I was a snob since I was on the dance team, or because we ran around with different groups of people. After high school, cliques break apart and everyone becomes an individual. In high school, girls thought they were so cool, so big and grown up, and SO mature. When you get out of high school, you laugh at those girls, not just because they think they know it all and really have no idea, but also because you used to be one of those girls. Nobody remembers your clothes, your hair, how many zits you had that week, what clubs you were in, what you made on a test, whether or not you wore makeup that day... because nobody cares! Girls think everyone notices those things, but usually they're the only ones who notice. High school is like baby boot camp for the real world. The only thing you'll have left from it is your diploma, yearbooks, and embarassing prom pictures.
8. Love. And it's very cliche at this age. Any answer to this question that I can give will not be anything that Junior and Senior High girls haven't heared. I'm a firm believer that cliche things are cliche because they hold truth. But love. Loving people is something I'm genuinely discovering the second semester of my freshman year of college. I always looked at the floor as I moved class to class in high school because I was scared of awkwardly waving at someone and not being seen. Or waving back at someone who was actually acknowledging the person behind me. It's intimidating to be fully aware of the people around you. If you know the person walking next to you in the hallway, stike up a conversation. You know them. You have the same teachers. Be interested in their day. One of my biggest pet peeves is a smile that uses less muscles that the tip of my little finger. Those smiles aren't real. Let the people your smiling at see your teeth. Light up when you see someone. That person that you know the name of and have a couple of classes with but never really considered, they have a life. He or she is a real living and breathing person. Beyond that, they are a human being, worthy to be loved by you, and who is fully and dearly beloved by God. Moral: Light up when you see people. Walk around smiling. You can't do anything going class to class, so why not be fully absorbed in the lives of those around you. Care. And not just people you know. Start with the kids in your first period class. Get to know one thing about their lives. Then move to you next class. Care about people. Love them. Contrary to popular belief, you are your brother's keeper. Other Little Things:Don't call boys. You are worthy to be pursued. Smile at a pretty day. Listen to your parents. Read a lot of books. And yes, there is a type of book that you will like. Cry when you need to. Don't let anyone tell you you're laughing too hard. Put money in the offering plate when it goes by. A penny. A ten dollar bill. Every seven negative things you say to someone is equal to one positive. Tell your parents you love them. Holding hands is okay. Eat chocolate all you want. Get over it, you're skinny. Play outside. Disney movies aren't for babies. Boys are your brothers in Christ, not potential husbands. It doesn't matter where you sit at lunch. You don't know what one kind act will do to the rest of someone's life.And vice versa.
9. 1. Be yourself. It's more important to be happy with who you are than having everyone else happy. 2. It's more important to have a few really good friends that you can turn to no matter what, that know you really well, that you can depend on, than to try and be everyone's friend and get to know everyone. 3. Boys should not be the most important thing in your life. Actually, it's better to not even date, especially long term. Trust me, it just leads to heart-ache and makes you more skeptical about future relationships. Also, who cares how many boys you kiss? The fewer the better... which, unfortunately, is the opposite of what your friends will be telling you. Plus- never get to the point where a boy defines who you are. If he does, you need to examine the relationship. 4. Do what YOU want to do. Don't be so concerned about voicing your opinion on something, because the people you're voicing it to should care and be genuinely interested, and if they're not, then you need to find people that are. 5. It's okay to stay home with your parents on a Friday night and watch movies instead of going out with you friends-- those are the moments you really will remember when you're in college. 6. Forgive your girlfriends when you hear that they talk bad about you, and when you get mad at them, just let it go. Try not to permanently damage your relationship, because in a few years (maybe even weeks) you'll feel stupid for ending that tie, plus you'll really miss them. 7. Most importantly, the drama and the fights, is just high school. In a few years, you'll forget about it all, so don't dwell on who talked bad about who and who kissed who's boyfriend. Trust me, it's all really trivial in the long run, and you'll be significantly happier if you just be a shoulder for your friends to lean on and don't get caught up in the dramatic element of school. Be true to yourself and your friends, and you'll have a lot easier time making friends later because you'll know who you are! 8. Say "no" sometimes. You don't have to be everywhere and do everything for everyone. Do things for yourself!!
10. the thing i wish i could have grasped was that your life is not set. the people and surrounds of your life in highschool are far from permanent. you have the mindset that those people are your "bff4L" (sorry, had to use that lol) and they aren't even close. a few will stand out and make an impact on the rest of your life... but those people come few and far between. my mom would always tell me that but of course i thought she was crazy... now she's one of my best friends.
11 . I was talking with a friend the other day and I think she stole this from some other person's facebook, but she said the opposite of faith isn't doubt; it's control. And I was just thinking that would have been something I would have loved to have heard before I came to college.
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